This is the second Mother’s day since my Mom’s death, and it’s not much better than was the first. I so miss her and feel that loss in every bone in my body even if when I’m trying not to think about it.
On Mother’s Day in particular, I miss thinking about what to get her for this special day and searching each year for that perfect gift.
Once, when I was around 10 or 11, I bought her a wallet with a matching cigarette case, but because it cost more than I had to spend, I charged it to her store account and paid it off over several weeks. She jokingly gave me a hard time about having paid for her gift; I thought it was an ingenious plan. And, she loved the wallet and cigarette case!
Mother’s Day is particularly difficult for Motherless daughters I thik; at least it is for this one. For so many this is a joyous time to celebrate their mother. But for me, it is a time of deep sadness and a reminder of a relationship I long for each day. It brings me back to that day she died. My sister and I were with her, as was her long time companion. She didn’t go peacefully; she fought to live even though she knew the battle was over. I’ll never forget that day, but I am so glad I was with her and had an opportunity to say good-bye.
All the advertisements are constant reminders that I can’t call to share my love for my Mom on this day. I long to hold her hand and hear her voice, especially the way she’d laugh whenever she’d make a spectacular play during a card game. I watch interactions between my friends and their mothers and I imagine what it would be like to see her again. But, I know that she is with me; I can feel her presence in so many areas of my life, and as I age I can see glimpses of her as I look in the mirror.
I love the picture I’ve included here. My Mom hated having her picture taken, and when I tried to snap a quick shot she covered her face with the cards she was holding. This is one of the last pictures I took of her the summer before she died. We were playing yet another game of cards and having a fabulous time. Oh how she loved to play cards, and she was DAMN good. For me, this picture captures her doing what she loved: playing cards and thwarting my attempts to take her picture.
Happy Mother’s Day Mom. I love and miss you.