Missing My Mom

34375_445285166070_163121_nThis is the second Mother’s day since my Mom’s death, and it’s not much better than was the first. I so miss her and feel that loss in every bone in my body even if when I’m trying not to think about it.

On Mother’s Day in particular, I miss thinking about what to get her for this special day and searching each year for that perfect gift.

Once, when I was around 10 or 11, I bought her a wallet with a matching cigarette case, but because it cost more than I had to spend, I charged it to her store account and paid it off over several weeks. She jokingly gave me a hard time about having paid for her gift; I thought it was an ingenious plan. And, she loved the wallet and cigarette case!

Mother’s Day is particularly difficult for Motherless daughters I thik; at least it is for this one. For so many this is a joyous time to celebrate their mother. But for me, it is a time of deep sadness and a reminder of a relationship I long for each day. It brings me back to that day she died. My sister and I were with her, as was her long time companion. She didn’t go peacefully; she fought to live even though she knew the battle was over. I’ll never forget that day, but I am so glad I was with her and had an opportunity to say good-bye.

All the advertisements are constant reminders that I can’t call to share my love for my Mom on this day. I long to hold her hand and hear her voice, especially the way she’d laugh whenever she’d make a spectacular play during a card game.  I watch interactions between my friends and their mothers and I imagine what it would be like to see her again. But, I know that she is with me; I can feel her presence in so many areas of my life, and as I age I can see glimpses of her as I look in the mirror.

I love the picture I’ve included here. My Mom hated having her picture taken, and when I tried to snap a quick shot she covered her face with the cards she was holding. This is one of the last pictures I took of her the summer before she died. We were playing yet another game of cards and having a fabulous time. Oh how she loved to play cards, and she was DAMN good. For me, this picture captures her doing what she loved: playing cards and thwarting my attempts to take her picture.

Happy Mother’s Day Mom. I love and miss you.

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One Response to Missing My Mom

  1. I would like to say it will get easier but it won’t. I lost my father when I was 10. I know it isn’t the same as a mother. He has been gone for 41 years now and every father’s day and every milestone it is very difficult. Especially on New Years when he died 41 years ago. Luckily my Mother has good genes and she is still around at 85 years of age. Take care and know that there is others out in the world that are thinking of you on this very difficult day.

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