Don’t Forget to Unplug the Iron

As I am sure you’ve all heard, the world is supposed to end on Saturday May 21, 2011. For some, this is serious business.

Take New Yorker Robert Fitzpatrick, for example. New York Daily News reports Fitzpatrick spent $140,000 for an ad campaign for signs on subway cars and bus shelters around the city reading “Global Earthquake! The Greatest Ever – Judgment Day: May 21.” Seems Fitzpatrick has spent his entire retirement savings on placards for the NY subway, ads on trains, and bill boards

Others preparing for the rapture like Bart Centre, are making money rather than spending it. Centre has established “Eternal Earth-Bound Pets, USA –The Next Best Thing to Pet Salvation in a Post Rapture World.” For a mere $135, Centre will provide a 10-year contract to protect your pet from “a slow death by starvation in the event that you get raptured.” He’s hired atheists who have committed blasphemy  in accordance with Mark 3:29 to ensure his pet rescuers will be available post rapture.

We know, of course, the end of the world has been predicted before. Just note this clip from Six Feet Under:

But just in case, this is the real deal,  Jesus’ General has compiled a top ten preparedness list:

10. Pass gas before leaving atmosphere to prevent embarrassing trajectory changes.
9. Bring a firearm in case some bastard cuts you off at the Kolob exit.
8. Refrain from drinking liquids–God ain’t going to pull over.
7. Good manners dictate that you shake Jesus’ hand before hugging Ayn Rand and punching Gandhi.
6. Call out greetings to friends immediately after liftoff–in space, no one can hear you scream.
5. To decrease atmospheric friction, refrain from using Cialis, Viagra, or any other hardening agents after midnight on Friday.
4. Wear clean underwear; you don’t want to embarrass your mother if you’re the bastard who cuts me off at the Kolob exit.
3. Bring a big bottle of Aquafina. Jesus loves a good wine.
2. Don’t buzz the Jews.
1. Keep your sunroof open.

If you’re like me, however, you aren’t making any special plans other than listening to the atheist’s rapture theme song REM provided in 1987

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